Giving Unsolicited Advice: A Story and Some Unsolicited Advice

I don't tend to read "advice" columns, but today there's one in the newspaper next to a daily puzzle I do.  I might read part or all of the column if the headline strikes me as interesting.

That was the case with a recent column entitled "Unsolicited Advice".

The Column

A reader wrote to the columnist (Scott Ervin AKA "The Kid Whisperer") expressing praise for his work, but sharing a story of something she did that did not work out well. Here's a synopsis:

• The writer is a 7th grade teacher who is next door to a teacher with whom she shares students.
• The students were well-behaved in the writer's class, but were misbehaving in the neighboring teacher's class.
• She told her neighboring teacher that the students were well-behaved in her class because she used Ervin's "Behavioral Leadership" approach.
• She told the teacher she should read the book.
• The teacher reacted with anger (but also said the teacher probably didn't like her before the exchange).

She wrote to Ervin asking how she could repair the relationship.

Was That the Best Question to Ask?

Note: the subtitle above is not about whether this is the "right" question to ask. It is about the "best" question to ask?

To use a medical metaphor, most of us (unless we happen to profit from it) probably would rather prevent an illness or injury rather than have to have it cured or treated.

In this case, an alternative question is:

How might I have prevented this reaction or have gotten a more positive response?

The answer may lie in the "Language of Influence".

Could the Language of Influence Help?

Simply, our language-what we say and how we say it-has the potential to be motivating or demotivating.

In the Language of Influence framework, there are companion motivational patterns for decision making:

• Internal: Someone who wants to make their own decisions
• External: Someone who wants input, advice, or data from an external source

We also know that many of us tend to communicate with others based on our motivational patterns.

What if the teacher who wrote this letter was more External than Internal? (In her letter to him, she indicated being External to Scott Ervin and his work.)

What if her companion teacher was more Internal than External? (She responded as though she was . . . at least in this case. And, it is possible that one's motivational patterns can shift temporarily based on the context or emotional state.)

Here's the principle: We are more influential and effective if we communicate on the receiver's channel (pattern) than on our own.

If the advice-giving teacher is primarily External and her next-door teacher primarily Internal, then telling her what she "should" do (read the book . . . stop doing what you're doing and do what the book says) not only has the potential to go unheard, but also could trigger a negative response designed to communicate: "Stay out of my space!" or "Don't tell me what to do!".

The Last Word

The title is a bit of a trick. I do not intend to end by giving you advice.

I only want to provide some information.

You might want to consider the possibilities outlined above or ignore it . . . the choice is yours.

(This last sentence is intended for Internal readers. At this point, Externally motivated readers already have the information they need to decide.)